Nobody cares

Dear Mr or Mrs who doesn't care may you give me private lessons teaching me how to care less or don't care at all, I want to tell you that I do my best and try hard but with no use. I success to care less for a couple of days, I don't keep worrying and wondering how others are doing and I don't make these kinds of ridiculous calls saying I wanted to make sure that you're o.k. since you didn't seem well yesterday. But very soon I go back to normal when I see a vague status or hear an annoying news. I focus in meditation and yoga on how to let go and let myself of the hook and it works for a couple of hours after the class then unfortunately I go back to that pathetic status. I start to convince myself that nobody cares, it is better to believe so than facing the fact that nobody cares about me and don't get me wrong care isn't between finances and husbands it is between  family, friends, and colleagues. It is about that you make difference and while your absence you're missed. It is about how they wonder how you're doing not because they have to but because they want to and feel so. It is about not taking you for granted. It is about asking you hey what's up and then waiting for the answer. It is about remembering details and about being on the top of their priorities list as they are on the top of yours. 

"Actions speak louder than words" It is an old saying resuming what I want to say, they can keep saying that it is only in your head and that they care but you see or feel nothing of that.

No lying sometimes that quote works: "treat people the way you want to be treated". It works to give you hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel but probably you find out that it is nothing but a train light chasing you.

You may tell me you should talk to people you think they care but get busy in life but I'll tell you that there are things you can’t ask for. And you may also tell me you are getting too much involved with others and maybe they find it a kind of intrusion that's why they don't do what you're doing since they find it annoying. Let me tell you I think about that the whole time, you might be right and I try to be less intrusive and mind my own business more bas a2olak eh ana stuck ta7n. 

I'll end with some questions is it me or them? Am I meeting wrong persons, but they can't be all wrong it must be me somehow. Am I little paranoid? Am I getting involved too much? Is knowing that they deeply inside care enough? I have no idea

No I don't excuse you

I don't remember the last time I said no it's not o.k. this doesn't work with me, no I don't excuse you. It's always o.k. and it is always I'm fine and I know you didn't mean it. It is O.K. when you do not call me back when I call you, o.k. when you leave the online conversation without saying excuse me what were we saying? O.K. when you vanish for long time then appear when you want to and say how could you not call all that period and let me feel guilty? O.K. when it's my birthday and you forget, O.K. when I'm sick and you don't ask how I feel, O.K. when you don't even read one of my posts on my blog and tell me what you do think even though you know how I do expect that from you the most. I used to always say it's O.K. she or he didn't mean it we're friends, we’re family etc...... But you know what it's not o.k. It's not O.K. to treat me like crap and I say it’s O.K. offense not taken, or never mind. Actually it minds and I deserve respect and of course I won’t ask for it, you do not ask others to respect you, you force them to feel that you're respectful. So dear all it's not O.K. to take me for granted because I'm trying to be nice and not o.k. to think that I am your doormat. I'm not and won’t be any more so no more msgs saying where have you been that long and why didn’t you call me back? Or yesterday was my birthday why didn’t you remember? As if I'm asking why you're not showing me some respect? I won’t give you excuses anymore, that's not my job. I don’t have to remind you that I am here for you, probably you all know that. It’s not that I decided to be mean or anything but honestly I’m fed up with accepting treating me like crap with a smile on my face so I made those decisions with the spirit spread everywhere in Egypt now concerning the freedom of speech and expressing ourselves so no more putting makeup on the truth face, wallaho 3ala ma akolo shahid.

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New me willing not to keep being a doormat  

What is your dream?!

Becoming rich, growing your business, getting married with your soul mate....Do our dreams have to be big ones? I read once in a book that you should dream big ones. When I was little I didn't have a dream, I always see on t.v shows kids saying when I grow up I want to be a doctor healing people bla bla or a lawer helping poor people or a football player to be rich and famous or I see the actress saying I was acting in front the mirror since I was 3. I didn't have any of these dreams or others than them. But what I know is that two years ago I started reading and I have found it pretty good. And I started to have that dream that I want to read all the books in the world actually I don’t want to work I want to read forever I want to read everything, I love to take notes, I love writers' notes about other books so I buy these books and take my own notes. Does this count as a dream? I really want to do so and why being a doctor or getting married is considered dreams and reading and studying don't. I am stuck in here because whenever I answer that question what is your dream? Even in spin the bottle game I see a look on the faces which I don't like followed by smiles which also don't please me, as they were telling me, you're bullshiting us, that's not a dream.

So I decided to really search inside me for any hidden dreams, so let see, being a model, no it doesn't suit my body at all. A tennis champion maybe, I always had a thing for Steffi Graf when I was little, but I'm 26 now and never played tennis do that count obstacles to accomplish my dream? Do making a tour in Europe -specially visiting France and Spain- counts as dreams? Or it is just a wish which depends on fortune availability? I am so confused now about that. 

I never dreamed about building my own business, actually I have no problem with working for others, and I do not have any special talents like painting, playing music or whatever talents that lead to local and international competitions for instance, and I don't like architecture career that much to dream being Franc O Gehry or Zaha Hadid 2.

I am not lying believe me, there are no other hidden dreams, and why searching for others since I do have one, and I do find joy in reading and discovering new things in books and take real steps toward realizing it by not wasting a day without reading, and who said there are rules and standards for dreams?

I didn't give you that stupid look when you said your dream is getting married to your soul mate, the thing that will vanish the second day you marry him, so why you're giving me that look?

Yes that's my dream so deal with it and apparently I didn't ask you for any help so why this look Mr. judge playing spin the bottle or Mr. t.v. show presenter? Just please if any of you have an explanation for that look tell me and if any of you know the judge of the dreams number or address send it to me immediately to consult him. 

The whatever guy

Have you noticed him? Have you got the chance to really know him? I mean the whatever guy, he's that colleague at work or college who seems to be so indifferent, who always has a common answer: Whatever. What do you think of his behavior; don't you think he crossed the line? We are going out; would you like to join us? Do you like that place? He lets you feel that nothing is important to him, everything is the same, joining you or not, going here or there, like or dislike that person, it's all the same for him because he doesn't care.

He's always focused on something, computer screen, paper work, music, drinking something or smoking maybe, he's not that person who gets bored sometimes and you find him at your desk seeking a little chat because he seems always knowing what to do and well managing himself.

Have you noticed him? Have you noticed that others dislike him, he's different, and what is he trying to tell us? I'm better than you; I mind my own business and don't like gossips? They follow him with their eyes everywhere, they start faking stories about him, and here comes the rumors stage. And of course all that behind his back, they draw a fake smile on their faces when he's around. You doubt that he knows what is going behind his back, but he keeps being himself because he doesn't care about their opinions, whatever they say doesn’t bother him because he doesn’t care.

Days pass and one day you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, failed in your exam and need help with this course, had a work problem which seems unfixable, had a personal problem which affects your evaluation at work, you seem like alone reed standing tall trying to survive a storm. You keep searching for any support but with no success, suddenly you find an invisible hand reassuring you and offering help. Yes it's him the whatever guy, he knew what you've been trough and he seemed caring for the first time, you didn't hear whatever or I don't care, he just helped you and gave you the needed support without even asking him. You get the chance to really know him for the first time, he's not anymore the whatever mysterious guy, you find out that he really cares about good people, and that whatever was only a kind of defending system, he's so sensitive and had been hurt deeply so many times by closed persons, so he created a defending system. He decided not to freeze or shake anymore because of family issues, or friends deceptions, or people's meanness, he chose to focus on himself, to improve his skills, to stand up for his own more and to care about what people-specially stupid ones- think less. He is a perfect supportive, helpful friend, you find him or he finds you -to be more precise- when you need him.

So next time you see that guy around, do not be shallow like others and start prejudging him, we all have secrets and we all have the right to deal with our problems so why don't we enjoy diversity and  respect others?  If someone is different or act like one let him be whatever he wants since he didn't invade your boundaries. Our problem is that we expect from others to act like us, but personalities are just like fingerprints, impossible to find two identical.

The American philosopher Emerson said:

Shall I tell you the secret of the true scholar? It is this: Every man I meet is my master in some point, and in that I learn of him.

Great tip isn’t it? So why don’t we learn from each other? You have a positive character that I don’t have so I learn from you and vice versa. And the same in what concerns negative characters. I have nothing better to end with than what preceded, so start considering that tip and trust me it works.

Enough

That’s my country you’re destroying. I have memories everywhere, I passed by that building you put fire in on my way to school every single day. I paid for that police car you’re destroying and that’s my family- father, brother and uncle- you’re throwing stones at. That’s my neighbor’s car you’re stealing. And I know the owner of that shop from which you stole almost everything. You are destroying my memories my acquaintances and my country for no reason. You say you lived in poverty and were suppressed to government unfairness for years, but you do not know how that man you’re ruining his properties struggled to reach this point and buy that car. You have the right to ask for your right, and to fight for it, but you have no right to destroy what we’ve struggled to construct. You have no right to destroy my country, my memories, my friends, and my neighbors. You think misery and disappointments were exclusive for you, no my friend I saw talented people going much far from their dreams seeing opportunities going for much less talented and educated people, but they didn’t steal cars or ruin others’ business, they decided to work and study harder searching for other opportunities waiting for them somewhere. I saw them next to you standing for their rights and freedom but I saw no knives or stones in their hands and at night I saw them defending their district's properties. The government will go but it’s us who will have to deal with each other, we’ll have to rebuild that police station and that governmental building again, yes it’s us, from where you do think government bring money? I’m deeply sad and sorry for seeing my country destroyed by their own people, I can’t describe the feeling, and it’s not me only, every acquaintance I meet or call tell me the same and feel so scared from what is happening and from chaos spread everywhere, so my question is who are these people out there destroying whatever they see and who don’t feel sorry for that? Who are they? Where do you they come from? I heard 160 prisoner refused to escape when they had the opportunity and they stayed to defend the factory which they built and worked in, they are criminals but have some principles to hold on to and to fight for, the thing that really amazed me and the thing that was missing in others behavior who weren't criminals. I do believe that the smart one is the one who knows when to stop and when to change the strategy and when to negotiate and who knows what is lose lose (no win) situation. And just to be fair haven’t the government heard of crisis management? New expression probably, but dear government let me tell you that what is happening is typically the definition of crisis, but the point is how to manage it. I haven’t heard about a crisis solved by itself, or a crisis that had safe consequences, chaos and crisis are best friends so our need now is for managing crisis.

I do not have anything to end with except wishes and prayers to keep security and peace in here and may that happen soon because we can't stand for more hostility and chaos.

Born into Brothels

Born into Brothels is the best documentary movie I have ever seen, if you didn’t see it, put it immediately on your list to watch this week because it worth watching. It is about a group of kids in India living in red light district, they are children of prostitution and the main business in that district is prostitution. Men have nothing to do except taking drugs, beating women and taking their money coming from prostitution. I can describe life there till tomorrow but you won’t imagine the picture till you see it yourself in the movie. So these kids live in hell, they have no future, mothers wait till their daughters get 13 to force them to join the line of prostitution and concerning the boys they won't be better than men they see in the district.

So that photographer gave every kid a camera and taught them how to take photos, because she felt connected to the kids there and she wanted to help them.

The idea is pretty wonderful, but really the thing that amazed me is when the kids got the chance to speak frankly to the camera. These kids live in hell, but when they started to talk about their dreams and about what they really want, you see that spark in their eyes and the pure smile on their lips. They are kids but very brave in expressing their feelings, describing their entourage. Let me quote you some of what these kids said:

Kochi

I keep thinking if I could go somewhere else and get education I wonder what I could become.

I live here with my grandmother because my mother can't take care of me.

My father tried to sell me, if my sister didn't come to get me my father would have sold me.

I worry that I might become like them.

Gour

I take pictures to show how people in this city live, people live here in chaos, nobody lives as filthy as we do in our country, wherever there are dirty plates we find shoes right next to them in no other country have I seen this, that's why I like photography. I want to put across the behavior of man.

I like the way Puja ( a girl from the group) behaves whenever she eats something she shares it with others, you don't even have to ask. One day I went to Puja's house and saw her dad beating up her mom I asked about it, she said my mom didn't give money to my dad for his drink so he beats her. I wish I could take Puja away from here, when she grows up she'll end up on the street, she'll do drugs and snatch people's money. 

Tapasi

I never really think about being rich, even if I was poor I would have a happy life, one has to accept life as being sad and painful, that’s all.

I have to do something with my sewing and photography. I need to make a living and take care of my sister and me.

Avijit

When camera is in my hands I can take pictures of someone who has gone away, died or been lost and have something I'll be able to look at for the rest of my life.

I like to draw pictures because I want to express what's on my mind; I want to put my thoughts into colors.

When I was two my father married my mother and at that point another man got him addicted to hash. In the past my father used to be a very good man but now my mother has left and he just smokes all day, but even though I try to love him a little.

My mom used to say I'm going to send you to London to study; we don't have the money to live, let alone for studies.

After his mother was killed he said: I used to want to be a doctor then I wanted to become an artist there is nothing called hope in my future.

Do you see what I mean? They are brave, they are much responsible than their parents, Tapasi thinks how to take care of her sister, Gour wish to take Puja out of there. They see the ugliness of that life, completely the opposite of their parents who get used to it and have no problem forcing their children to be like them.

These kids have something that we have lost time ago, I'll tell what it is but read these words from the alchemist (my favorite novel ever):

Everyone on earth has a treasure that waits for him," the boy's heart said. "We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them—the path to their destinies, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place. So we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won't be heard: we don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts.

Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist. Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."

They still listen to their hearts; they have dreams to pursue in spite of horrible life conditions. That's the thing we missed in our busy life. I wish we could learn from these kids how to face difficult conditions, how to listen more to our hearts, how to search for our treasures, and how to be grateful for our life although it is incomparable with theirs.

P.S

Check the kids’ photo gallery.

http://www.kids-with-cameras.org/kidsgallery/

P.S.S

Don't forget to watch the movie

I feel good so suit me!!!

You quit a job or break up with someone, then you realize that this was the best decision for you and that you feel better, actually you feel good, you put yourself together and got a new perspective and you start being in the stage of feeling good not the stage of denying because I know that stage of denying being in pain and doing crazy things. You start doing pretty cool things, which you always had the intention to do but there was always something that stops you, well now you have the time and the opportunity to do new things and to explore new prospects in life. You keep enjoying your new you till you find a phone call from a friend or a colleague, a friendly one trying to be there for you and his curiosity pushed him to ask how do you feel, you answer his question saying I feel good, so you realize a change in the caller's tone saying hmm you feel good, what do you do everyday? Have you met someone? Have you started a new job? So you defend yourself saying no, but I do things I love, I jog for instance, I read, I sightsee, I travel...etc So you realize another change in the tone, a lit a bit frustrated tone, saying you read, jog and travel and you feel good!! You really need help, you`re hiding your real feelings, you should start dating, or focus on getting a new job and he ends the call telling you that he will help and see what he can do about your hopeless case. You keep doing what you`re doing and you keep feeling good except that from time to time you ask yourself am I wrong? Is it weird to feel good, to move on and to get ready for my next stage? You start to forget about that call till you meet another friend in the mall, after a hug she asks how do you feel, so you say I feel pretty good actually I'm doing wonderful things these days, so she makes one more step toward you and say in a friendly tone no I mean how do you really feel? So you repeat what you have just said, but nobody listens to you, and the friend says now I started to worry about you, I can help..... You find a bubble above your head like in the cartoon in which you appear jumping up and down saying I really feel good, I am not lying or acting.

You leave the friend in the mall and walk away with a huge astonishment look on your face, you have no idea what's wrong with people or is it you? You keep searching deep inside you for the feeling you are hiding, but nothing is working, you still feel good instead of the depression, regret, sadness feelings requested by others for you.

Well my friend I have a good news for you, nothing is wrong with you, you feel good, you do not deny your status, you just feel good and try to make the best use of your time, how could that be wrong? People just have that obsession with interfering in others life and fixing them even though they are not broken like Evanescence's song. I also have some cool tips for you:

-          When you meet that friend or get that call let them hear what they are calling for, tell them well I feel bored and don't have much things to do, so you will find them smiling and telling you that's what we warned you about but don't worry it is going to be o.k.

-          Or you can tell them how you really feel then don't bother yourself listening to a word they say, imagine that you are in the beach laying in the sun enjoying your time but just draw a smile on your face and say at the end of the speech thank you, you've been so helpful lately.

-          Or wait I have a better idea, what about buying a shirt with your favorite color and print on it I feel good so suit me, you can do whatever you want, it's your life, they can't push you to feel bad about feeling good, they will keep intruding and interfering forever that's what they are good at, and you should keep doing what you are good at, being positive, moving on, making steps forward

            everyday even by just reading a book. That's what they cannot do and what they envy you for.
So pick the suitable solution for you, just keep being you and don’t give a shit about them